Top 100 Funny Basketball Quotes And Sayings

From the great one-liners dropped by coaches during press conferences, to the witty off-the-cuff remarks made by players, the basketball world has provided us with many hilarious quotes over the years.

Here are the top and funniest quotes in basketball. This collection features funny NBA quotes from players and coaches like Charles Barkley, Shaquille O'Neal, Bill Walton, and Coach Popovich, as well as legendary college basketball figures like Jimmy V, Bob Knight, Pat Summitt, and more.

100. "I might go my whole life stealing money. I got paid to play basketball, which is a scam. I get paid to watch basketball, which is a scam." - Charles Barkley

99. "Kobe was hell-bent on surpassing Jordan as the greatest player in the game. His obsession with Michael was striking. When we played in Chicago that season, I orchestrated a meeting between the two of them, thinking that Michael might help shift Kobe's attitude toward selfless teamwork. After they shook hands, the first words out of Kobe's mouth were, 'You know I can kick your *** one on one.'" - Phil Jackson

98. "They shot the ball well early. What comes out of the microwave hot doesn’t always stay hot. I know, because I eat bagels in the morning." - Shaq

97. "That's what you call it? 'Settling?' I call it playing basketball. If I want to take a jumper, I'm going to take a jumper. If I want to go to the rim, I'll go to the rim. I don't call it 'settling.'" - Anthony Edwards

96. "You never make any of the shots you never take. 87% of the ones you do take, you’ll miss too. I make 110% of my shots." - Larry Bird

95. "I'd say I gave it the old college try, except that I never went to college." - Darryl Dawkins

94. "He's our Manute Bol. Without him, we're minute." - Mychal Thompson

93. "If the NBA was on channel 5 and a bunch of frogs making love were on channel 4, I'd watch the frogs, even if they were coming in fuzzy." - Coach Bob Knight

92. "I have two college degrees, but the only way I could ever make a living was by showing kids how to put a ball in a hole." - Red Auerbach 

91. "There is no such thing as shoulda, woulda, coulda. If you shoulda and coulda, you woulda." - Pat Riley

90. "They talk about the economy this year. Hey, my hairline is in recession, my waistline is in inflation. Altogether, I'm in a depression." - Rick Majerus

89. "I'd rather have a lot of talent and little experience than a lot of experience and little talent." - John Wooden

88. "I spent five seasons of my life coaching two seasons of NBA ball." - Tex Winter

87. "You throw up an airball and then Shaq goes up 15 feet to catch it and dunk it, and everyone says, 'Wow, what a pass." - Anfernee Hardaway

86. "What I hate the most is when the other team scores." - Joel Embiid

85. "The ref said I violated 10:10. I don't know if he meant a basketball rule or a verse and chapter of the Bible." - Coach Jimmy V

84. "I'm not a complainer. I'm a whiner." - Danny Ainge

83. "Sacramento is not in California." - Reggie Theus 

82. "Ask not what your teammates can do for you. Ask what you can do for your teammates." - Magic Johnson

81. "You can start calling me World B. Free Agent." - World B. Free

80. "Hey Rick, that's the first time I ever saw you shake a hand from Kentucky that doesn't have money in it." - Larry Bird

79. "Nothing means nothing. But it isn't really nothing, because nothing is something that isn't." - Darryl Dawkins

78. "Sam Lacey says I'm a dirty player, but I tell him I take a lot of showers." - Swen Nater

77. "I'm trying my hardest, but I can't have everything. I can't have the looks, the rapping ability, the scoring ability, and the free throws." - Shaquille O'Neal

76. "Technical fouls are like traffic tickets. Sometimes you might deserve one and don't get it, but when you do, you don't think you deserved it." - John Wooden

75. "Fans never fall asleep at our games, because they're afraid they might get hit by a pass." - George Raveling

74. "I try to penetrate the lane like Steve Nash, pass like Jason Kidd, and handle the ball like Allen Iverson. Remember, I said 'try to'." - Chris Paul

73. "We're shooting 100 percent - 60 percent from the field and 40 percent from the free-throw line." - Norm Stewart

72. "Hearing the crowd was great. It made what little hair I had stand on end." - Alex English

71. "Our offense is like the pythagorean theorem: There is no answer!" - Shaq

70. "There's only two things in the NBA. There's winning and there's misery." - Pat Riley

69. "Fifty percent of life in the NBA is sex. The other fifty percent is money." - Dennis Rodman

68. "I hope they don't let Charles Barkley get a taste of our German beer. If he gets into that, we could have a problem." - Detlef Schrempf

67. "Magic Johnson is the best player who plays on the ground, and Michael Jordan is the best player who plays in the air." - John Paxson

66. "There are really only two plays: Romeo and Juliet, and put the darn ball in the basket." - Abe Lemons 

65. "Harmony isn't important. The only thing that matters is winning and getting paid." - Charles Barkley

64. "The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off." - Abe Lemons

63. "Once I was jumping up and down after a bad call. [Earl Strom] gave me a technical for bad dancing." - Wes Unseld 

62. "I love the tension. I love when everything’s going wrong. ... In the NBA, they don’t promote guys like me. They like guys who like Cheerios, good guys. But I find a way to promote myself." - Ron Artest

61. "I never thought I'd lead the NBA in rebounding, but I got a lot of help from my teammates - they did a lot of missing." - Moses Malone

60. "I've actually got my ring fitted for my middle finger so they can kiss that one." - Andrew Bogut

59. "We win, or the alumni bash in our teeth." - Jim Valvano

58. "Wikipedia asking for donations... Might have to do it. Wouldn't have gotten thru high school without it. Definitely not Duke." - Justise Winslow

57. "Violence is never the answer, but sometimes it is." - Matt Barnes

56. "I always laugh when people ask me about rebounding techniques. I've got a technique. It's called just go get the damn ball." - Charles Barkley

55. "What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?" - Woody Allen

54. "I look at a golf course as a great waste of pastureland." - Karl Malone

53. "The secret is to have eight great players and four others who will cheer like crazy." - Jerry Tarkanian

52. "The lack of hustle and thinking bothers me on some pro teams. Heck, if I want to watch great individuals play, I'll watch golf or track." - John Wooden

51. "In my prime, I could have handled Michael Jordan. Of course, he would be only 12 years old." - Jerry Sloan

50. "After Michael Jordan had scored a play-off record 69 points - I'll always remember this as the night Michael and I combined to score 70 points." - Stacey King

49. "He has eyes in his ears." - Chick Hearn on Magic Johnson

48. "I don't like all the TV timeouts. I run out of things to say to my team." - Jimmy V

47. "They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their minds." - Wilt Chamberlain

46. "It's really great being Magic Johnson the basketball player for eight months and just plain Earvin Johnson the other three." - Magic Johnson

45. "Any time Detroit scores more than a hundred points and holds the other team below a hundred points, they almost always win." - Doug Collins

44. "Here's a six-foot-ten guy in sneakers and the lady's asking me, 'Profession?'" - Jack McMahon

43. "Moses [Malone] is the Ninth Wonder of the World. Wilt Chamberlain was the Eighth." - George Karl

42. "The more Final Fours you go to, the more cousins you find you have who need tickets." - Mike Krzyzewski

41. "I'm calling myself Desert. No food, no water, no calls." - Shaquille O'Neal

40. "He's tenacious, sagacious, vivacious, and hellacious." Walt Frazier on Michael Jordan

39. "Sports is the only profession I know that when you retire, you have to go back to work." - Earl Monroe

38. "We told Stanley Roberts to go on a water diet, and Lake Superior disappeared." - Pat Williams

37. "We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads." - Vlade Divac

36. "If I could look into the future, I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you doorknobs; I'd be out investing in the stock market." - Kevin McHale

35. "I don't read the stories about myself. I just look at the pictures." - Shaquille O'Neal

34. "After I sign my big contract, I'm gonna make my brothers buy me dinner. They need to buy me something for a change. I think I'm gonna get me a house. That's gonna be first. Probably get some new socks. Need some socks." - Jimmy Butler

33. "Now that I'm here, we'll turn this program around 360 degrees." - Jason Kidd

32. "I was going to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character." - Charles Barkley

31. "I'd rather be in jail in Sacramento than be the mayor of Boston." - Bill Russell

30. "They were playing like crap, so we put in different guys." - Gregg Popovich

29. "We have a very intelligent team. I've had clubs that when you tell a guy to go back door, he leaves the gym. Or you tell the team you're going to have a closed practice and eight guys don't show up." - Jim Valvano

28. "When he sits down, his ears pop." - Don Nelson on Shawn Bradley

27. "You can't teach the beast. It's either in you or it isn't. You can't just go to the store and buy a six-pack of beast. It don't work like that." - Kevin Garnett

26. "I keep both eyes on my man. The basket hasn't moved on me yet." - Julius Erving

25. "I would play fast if I was fast, but I'm slow, so." - Luka Doncic

24. "I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either." - Dave Barry

23. "I can't run my fingers through my hair." - Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

22. I'm known as the ankle bully, and I'm the CEO of it because I've made a lot of people fall during my lifetime. - LaMelo Ball

21. "I love exercise. I could watch it all day." - Bill Russell

20. "I didn’t know everything would go viral as it did. I forgot the internet was so worldwide. It is undefeated." - Klay Thomspon

19. "I think I'll name my firstborn son Extermin. That way he'll be Extermin Nater." - Swen Nater

18. "The latest is Procrastin Nater." - Swen Nater

17. "If you make every game a life-and-death thing, you're going to have problems. You'll be dead a lot." - Dean Smith

16. On his telepathic understanding with James Worthy - "It's almost like we have ESPN." - Magic Johnson

15. "I'm in favor of drug tests, just so long as they are multiple choice." - Kurt Rambis

14. I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I’d love to punch in the face. - Charles Barkley

13. "The Sixers are so bad, the last time they won, Ben Franklin had courtside seats." - Black Thought 

12. "I have at least one advantage over men coaches. If my son grew up to be a basketball player, my feelings won't be hurt if he doesn't want to play for me." - Pat Summitt

11. "We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors." - Weldon Drew

10. "Board man gets paid." - Kawhi Leonard 

9. "They didn't believe in the fat boy. It seems like it worked out. Don't bet against the fat boy." - Nikola Jokic

8. "If Kyle Korver blocks your shot there should be a penalty box you should go to!" - Jeff Van Gundy

7. "If you ever think you’re too small to make a difference, you’ve never spent a night in bed with a mosquito or you’ve never played basketball against Taylor from Utah, number 11 in your program, number one in your heart." - Bill Walton

6. "If you see me in a fight with a bear, pray for the bear." - Kobe Bryant

5. "Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser." - Red Auerbach

4. "I cannot have everything. Cannot be handsome, beautiful kids, beautiful wife, great family, great teammates, great coaching staff, handsome, athletic. I cannot have everything in life. I cannot make three's too. God had to keep me humble. God said basically 'he cannot make three's. Can't shoot. Stay humble my guy.'" - Giannis Antetokounmpo 

3. "Looking at me in basketball shorts is like looking at Dr. Ruth on the beach in a bikini." - Dick Vitale

2. "Ball don't lie!" - Rasheed Wallace

1. "You gotta believe in yourself. I believe I'm the best-looking guy in the world, and I might be right." - Charles Barkley